I have been thinking about a few topics that two people have brought up with me over the past few days, mostly dealing with friendships and relationships to people. I’ve been thinking about the people in my life who have passed me by, but those who have shared different levels of intimacy with me. I’ve come to a conclusion that I need fewer friends in my life, but the few that I do have, the higher the intensity that I have with them. Meaning, I want to know more about them, be part of their lives more, talk to them more, connect and have an understanding with them. With that, through discussion with someone, I need my friends to help stimulate and promote curiosity and thinking in my life. I need to do the same with them. I’m not saying that my whole life needs to have this intensity to it, but I need to grow as a person the more I age. I need to be able to find out why I think the way I do, why I process information this way, and why I see the world this way. People who help challenge these thoughts keeps my brain stimulated. I’m not looking for constant conflict or battles, but just people who draw these curiosities closer to conversation and reality.
With all this topic that has been going on, the conversation about friends and “lover” has been brought up. I’ve been thinking about this idea of what a friend provides and what a sexual partner provides. I’m still very very torn here, and well, you can have a best friend that you spend your life with that might know more than your current lover. They argument that we faced during our conversation was this idea of how people provide certain aspects to our knowledge and information. People are all different, with a variety of interests and personality traits that we all overlap on here and there. These overlaps allow us to bond and connect in some ways. What I wanted to think about was why I’d like to have someone that I can be both mentally and physically intimate with.
I think the idea of having friends who are mentally close is amazing. I’d love to have friends who can bond with me and have in-depth conversations, but also just understand and enjoy each other’s company. I’ve never really had a long lasting friendship. I keep changing myself, and I wonder if my changes in my life make the others not hold interest anymore? We all go in and out of people’s lives and I do find it amazing when there is someone who stays in your life for a very long time. The energy is just there between both of you and it just works out well. I have recently just started to have this with people in my life and it’s so invigorating. I haven’t been able to feel this close to people for a long time, and it’s nice to have this.
The connection sexually with me is a whole other story. My sexual past is very limited, scarce, weird, and even complex. I think most people’s are. What I find very interesting to me, is moments when I’m physically connected with someone, certain thoughts that I retrain as private are easier said. Maybe it’s the physical bond that allows it, but I want to know why and how this happens! I’ve come to realization that I’m a very tactile person, I need to touch things, feel how they work, sense them. I’m very sensitive to all my 5 senses, little things can trigger a whole plethora of feelings and memories. This comfort, I’d like to say, of being physically close with someone, allows me to open up more. I think the question now is, if it allows you to open up more, then why not be physical with everyone? Am I allowed to be physical with everyone? Do I want to do this? I’m not sure. It certainly hasn’t stopped me before, but I’d like to seriously develop something with someone special.
Recently a kind young man came into my life who opened up many doors for me. I think about him a lot, and would like to build on what we had started. Due to life circumstances, I’m not sure if I can be with him in the short term future. It’s sort of heartache, but me also wanting to have that physical connection with him that I had. The few days we spent together opened up a multitude of feelings but also an understanding that I haven’t had with ANYONE. I know that’s harsh to say, but I haven’t felt this connected in a very very long time. Simple stupid statements were understood, it was like we were similar in a way that our language and approach to things were similar. Yes we had our differences, but there was a social make up from our past that allowed us to understand how our brains functioned. Needless to say, I want to be with him…
But… I can’t at the moment. Can I coexist without him and retain our relationship long distance? I’m sure I can, but all I seem to think about right now is the physical bond we had. It really upsets me, but I think it’s worse that I’m all the way in Berlin and he’ll be on the west coast. The time difference fucks with you.
But back to the abstract. Do we need a mental and physical bond together? Do we just have physical bonds? mental bonds? Can they be combined? Does everything just operate on different levels? Can you have a 100% mental and physical bond? that seems to good to be true, or in another sense, just fucking yourself.
I guess what I’m just concluding is that I would like to have this connection with someone, both physical and mental, and with it, I believe things can happen a lot closer than someone who is just a physical connection or mental connection. there is something about our senses and how they work and how it all relates to our consciousness. This is what the work I’ve been doing deals with. I guess I never really understood it till these past few days. But I want these men that I photograph to understand the connections between other men. I feel in some ways homosexuality has made “gay” men think that these bonds are mostly physical, taking away mental connections and developments. I have a fucking lot to give to a man. I know that sounds harsh but I have started to realize that I need to be patient with myself and with this other person I want to be with.
So I can’t sit here and crave his attention, I just need to realize what’s in front of me and accept it. I can vocalize my desires and wants, but if they cannot come to reality, then I have to make the best of it? Change it? Do something about it versus dwelling on it! well I should sleep, my resting habits have changed greatly over the past few weeks and I need to refocus and reorganize a lot more things. Well night night…
Hum… Well you’re relationships with others semms a lot complecated… or I just don’t understand but still that you want good bonds with people, though I don’t seem to understand what you mean (you probablyhave more experience in life than I do or my english isn’t as good as I think it is) Anyway I’m sur whatever you choose in life it will turn out great. How can I tell? Through what you wrote and you wrote it I can tell you’re smart and wise. (Btw ever thought of trying writing?) I’d like to get to know you more but there’s a great distance separating us (I’m in Canada and I’m 15 if you’re wondering) Like you’re blogs