I’ve been a little quite on my blog these past few days because I’ve been trying to understand my position here in Berlin. I’ve been complaining about being alone, or not having many friends, when well, it’s my own fall for not engaging. But I’ve also been thinking about what it is that I need/desire to be happy in a place. I have met so many great people here, and I have a small group of people who care about me, but there is something missing.
Did I go through these feelings when I moved to Boston? Well of course, but I think what helped me out the most was that I was forced into a social situation, Graduate School, which of course allowed me to meet many people, who shared a common interest, school and art, allowing us to communicate on similar terms. Now, well, I’m in a very different situation. I didn’t come here with a community, but starting out on my own. I’ve met people along the way, some have come to be close friends, others came and left as it was. I think the thing I haven’t been used to is how a city seems to function. I live in Boston back in the states, but it’s NOTHING like Berlin. Berlin is 3x bigger, with a much larger and vast gay scene, and people from all over the world. It’s almost intimidating knowing where to start, or what to do.
I’ve had some great help from my roommate who’s introduced me to many people, helped me out with opportunities, and pretty much told me to get off my ass and do something. I’m still very much a scared young man. I have problems embracing what is new, fear of rejection, and fear of failure as well. I’ve always have and still do to this day, enjoy doing things with other people. I LOVE being alone at home, because it’s my safe spot, but when going out, I do prefer to do it with people. There is something about doing something together that makes it more enjoyable. The energy, their views and opinions, and well, they usually motivate me to be more outgoing.
This past weekend, I decided to meet up with someone I never met before (well, I did but that is another story for later), and go to his house, meet his friends and then go off to LAB. Well, I was of course a little shy and reserved and I tried to speak to people there, even though it was mostly in Italian, but over all it was a good time. The gentleman who I hung out with spoke with me throughout most of the evening, engaging with me, and in the end, cuddling and kissing, which was sweet. He wanted to bring me to LAB to experience a different side of Berlin that I haven’t seen directly in person.
LAB is a “Men’s Club”, aka Sex Club. I was so unaware of what I was getting into, and my naiveness clearly showed throughout the night. Upon arrival, I was given a bag and a number was written on me, I just sat there confused, and saw people getting undressed. ”Ahh, not my thing” I was thinking, but I did decide to just take off my button off, and just wear my t-shirt, considering it was really warm in the venue. Locked up all my valuables, and went throughout the night. I was shown around, met up with some people that I know, and took in the place. Initially it all seemed very stereotypical to me, metal, black, sex swings, chains, all that fun stuff you see in the movie. I just felt I was in this odd set most of the time, where I wasn’t even present, and absent from what was going on. The vibe was very laid back, and I guess where you position yourself, is how you are seen.
I spent most of the night on a couch with my friend, talking about the men, what they were doing, Analyzing their behavior, and thinking about it from my normal standards. It all seemed so scripted in a way, the music, the light, like all the behavior seemed controlled. It was very fetishized. Well all in all, it just wasn’t something that would “turn me on” per say… Oddly enough, as the night went on, I got more and cuddly with the person I went with, and well, at some points we started to kiss. What struck me the most that evening, was their was all this KINK around us, and I felt in a way that my actions with him were out of this sort of sensual/romantic view I personally have.
I think that’s where I seem to feel so different here in Berlin…. I have this lust for romance, not stereotypical romance, but this connection, intensity, the slow kiss, sensuality, the slowness of it all… I just felt while kissing him, that everyone around us just looked as us like we were in some rated G movie, because of all this passion we seemed to have in our kiss. I’m still trying to process my time at LAB but it was definitely different than something I would have normally done (sit with friends, talking, poking fun, and doing nothing, going home)… I don’t know if I would say I would return, but it seemed to justify my feelings I have for intimacy.
The evening ended with me strolling home late at night, to my place, listening to Young Galaxy, and well feeling light headed and free in a way. Something was lifted, maybe sadness, or maybe it was the message I got from him, saying that he wants to see me tomorrow. Just someone asking me to do something. It was a desire from another to want to see me. It seems like it hasn’t happened in so long. Maybe it was me understanding the response impulse that I seem to do, which is right after doing something with someone, letting them know I thought it was great, while they might still be processing it.
Well, let’s just say we met up the next day, went for a walk, sat in the park, went food shopping, took a nap together, made dinner and dessert together, he spent the night (cuddling and kissing), woke up cuddling, made him breakfast, and parted… it was AMAZING. I’ll be honest. Just a good easy going connection, no hang ups, insecurities floating around my head… and well what next? Not sure, The thing I normally do is go “he will be my boyfriend, and i’ll make sure it’s that way”. I must just be chill, and approach it respectively from both angles. I always seem to go into things, knowing what I want, and somehow wanting to control it to be my way. When it doesn’t happen, I crumble.
I must stop acting on my emotional impulse and think a little. It’d be totally sweet to see him again and have that special moment again. He’s such an eye opener at an odd time. I’ve been just down, and for someone to be like “stop being down, stop focusing on it, and just DO.”… I’m a little rambly right now, but that’s because I don’t want to over analyze what we had too much, and just enjoy it. I did tell him I’d like to see him again.
I think I’m so introverted, I’m slowly becoming a little self-centered. I’m sure many of my friends, former boyfriends can all say it… I always thought I wasn’t because I seem thoughtful, but I guess not. I think it has to do with my anxiety and scheduling that seems to make me controlling. Being in Berlin has totally made me more relaxed, but I’m not sure.
I’m not sure if Berlin is the place for me. It might be because I still feel alienated (of course I’m doing it to myself), or I’m nervous about being poor and not affording to pay for things. I’m afraid to try something new. I know Boston has all my “shit back there”… but is it the right thing to go back? Berlin just has this laid back atmosphere, that doesn’t exist in Boston, or maybe it does, and I just don’t see it. I think my self identity has changed how I organize and hold myself. Can I be like this back in the states? I think the thing that saddens me the most about going back to Boston is that I’ll loose everything that I’ve gotten here, friends, moments, lovers, memories… I’m afraid of it all going away, and well, not being able to obtain it again. It’s like I wont remember what it was like to feel the touch or smell of something here, like I’m in a dream. Is it a dream? What was even my reality. My body feels so different here in space. How I hold myself seems different, less tense, my face in the sun, feeling my hands on someones flesh.. it’s so different.
I feel this overwhelming sensuality here, in my bed all the time, that doesn’t seem to exist back home. I almost think that my brain was in this overdrive, exhausted state that Boston turned me into. I lost myself, and well, maybe I’m finding who I am now… or at least one part..
But I’d like to share all of this with someone, maybe that’s why I’m so lost in a sense. I would just like to have some connection, and well physical intimacy seems to lead how I view a lot of things. I seemed so afraid back in Boston.. In Berlin, we were sitting on the canal, leaning on him, and then kissing and feeling fine, it was just so good for my body and soul.. to forget about it all, just changed everything. It made me want to give everyone a hug, to touch and be close, something that well, I have not felt.
No one seems to care what you do here, make out, drink, lay around, do it, just don’t be violent it seems. I feel American culture seems to focus so much on violent imagery, hyper masculinity, and all this other crap that makes it so tense all the time. I want to be by the river, having a picnic and living in this Romance that I haven’t been able to connect with. (of course not loose sight of my reality).
Argh, choices… what is the right one? I think they are all right, but what is the one that I need?
Thanks for sharing, i’ve been enjoying a lot reading your stories.
xxx alex, frankfurt